I trip over bizarre interview requests quite often. They’re bizarre because they just don’t have any questions in them. That’s… well it’s a funny way to run an interview. This one had questions. Imagine that.
And here I pretty much habitually answer questions. Isn’t that convenient? Whatever.
Bam
1. When did you turn gay?
I did not ‘turn’ Gay.
2. Were you born gay?
Why, yes. Yes I was.
3. Should gay people be accepted?
The short answer is ‘yes.’ The real question is ‘can gay people be accepted?’ You can’t have an answer from me on that one. You need to go ask some straight folks about that. For what it’s worth, in the aggregate, I just don’t see too much evidence that the answer to the real question is ‘yes.’ There are some bits of primatological evidence worthy of inspiring a bit of hope. There are. But Sweetie… if you need to delve into primatology for what ought to be a sociological question, you have a very, very big problem.
4. Were you abused as a child?
It depends on how you define ‘abuse.’ Really. Sexually abused? No. Physically abused? I happen to share that distinction with approximately 33% of my male peers and 26% of all my peers. Physical abuse is disgustingly common. Dead serious: look at a male, any male, in the US: one in three chance he was physically abused as a minor. Not. Kidding. Emotionally abused? Well, yeah. I don’t want to even think about the statistics on that one. I witness serious emotional abuse of minors every single day, and that’s just in walking around.
5. Why are parents always the last people to know their kid is gay?
Are they? I don’t find that they are. I find that “I always knew” is the more common response. Now, if you’re fishing around for why they seem to be the last a Gay kid comes out to… kids seem to save the things they care about most for last. They also seem to save the things that frighten them the most for last. But no… if a parent or two are the last people to know their kid is Gay, they’re probably more than a little on the stupid side, more than a little self-indulgent and prone to substituting their own fantasy life for reality, and more than a little bit assholes. But that’s just my opinion (rooted firmly in experience). It’s nothing to take seriously.
6. Do you think you’ll ever regret being gay?
Regret it? Oh… never. Never ever. Seriously. If I had a choice in the matter, I’d choose Gay. I don’t, so I’ll settle for never regretting it.
7. Were you ever attracted to the opposite sex?
Nope. Does that surprise you? I’m Gay. I’m male. That means I’m attracted to males generally. Now… think about that just for one minute, Sweetie. Males. Show me a female who looks like a male and I might think her cute. This has happened twice. I’m what I consider to be old, so that’s not at all saying something for the cuteness of baby-dykes with cute haircuts. I find that members of the opposite sex have unsightly bulges in places there ought not be bulges (and when I say unsightly I mean shaved-dog’s-ass ugly). I also find they’re distressingly squishy. Squishy is not attractive. Nope. My immunity to the imagined charms of females ought not trouble anyone. I’m told (and I’m convinced it’s true) that many not-Gay people find the opposite sex to be just enchanting.
8. Maybe you haven’t found the “right person” of the opposite sex yet?
No… I’m quite convinced this imaginary “right person” just doesn’t exist. Besides… I found the right person of the same sex. The spousal-unit would be seriously put out by this entire line of questioning. Theoretically, however… were you to find some woman that had broad shoulders, pecs of doom, a washboard stomach, a monstrous penis, and thighs bigger than I am… a stature of 6’2” would be handy… I’d give that a whirl. Thing is… I’m pretty fucking sure I just described something more than a little on the male side (and something in the heavyweight class of college wrestling, to boot). I don’t think there really are all that many women with monstrous penises and pecs of doom. Call it a theory.
9. How do you know you’re gay if you haven’t had sex with anyone? (have you?!)
Here’s the thing: having sex is not at all the same thing as wanting sex. It’s just not. Knowing whether or not you are Gay is a simple matter of introspection. I suppose it’s possible you aren’t capable of introspection. There may be disorders that preclude introspection. Or not. I know plenty of really miserably virginal Gays. They’ve not had sex with anyone at all. They’re not at all happy with that state of affairs. They want to… does ‘hide the salami’ ring a bell? Yeah. Whatever. They want. It’s not a question of doing. It’s a question of wanting.
10. What’s it like to be gay?
Like a handbag full of rainbows, Sweetie.
Should that answer seem too flippant for you, then I’m afraid you’ll have to answer the question “What’s it like to be straight?” first.
