Wherein I Answer Questions
How do you interview someone on homosexuality?
By asking them questions.
Which questions would depend on just what it is you want to know. That’s how it works, you see: you want to know the answer to a question so you ask it.
Now, there really is a trick to this. There is. See… Gay folks have been asked the same freaking stupid questions over and over and over for decades now. Those questions tend to be annoying in the extreme… partly because of the repetition but mostly because of the shear stupidity of many of these questions. Some of them are shockingly offensive. Whatever. I did, however, say there was a trick to it. There is one: don’t bother.
So far as I can see, the only rational reason why people would ask the same stupid questions over and over and over again for decades is they aren’t listening to the answers. If you don’t plan on listening to the answer to a question, there’s little point in asking it. So don’t. That would be how you interview someone on homosexuality… leave them in peace and quiet.
Now, were you to plan on actually listening to the answers, then just go ahead and ask the questions.
How can you be gay and republican?
It’s fairly easy. There’s this peculiar myth flouncing about that the Democrats are some sort of Gift To The Gay People. It’s just not true. I know more viciously homophobic Democrats than I do Republicans. That may well be due to some insane sampling error so don’t take that to heart. Still, I know more Republicans than I know Democrats (Republicans are quite common hereabout) and yet I know more viciously homophobic Democrats than I do Republicans.
The problem here seems to be something I call “Europe-envy.” It seems to me that Democrats wish the US were something resembling a European state. Thing of it is, the US was founded in explicit contradiction to the concept of the European state as it existed at the time and remains so to this day. The US is not a state; it is 50 of them. “State” does not mean “province.” The Democrats seem to me to be of the view that the two words are synonyms… which does not at all reflect well on them because the two words aren’t at all synonymous. Some people care a very great deal about the distinction there. Don’t worry about it too dreadfully much: wars have been fought over far more trivial issues.
Why are there so many gays in (Place X)?
Chances are, there aren’t so many Gays… chances are you’re just a nasty homophobe and any Gays at all counts as “so many.”
In the redacted place in question, the number of Gays is one tenth of a percent above the national average. I mean… really… that’s not so awful many. This one-tenth of a percent bump almost certainly represents a very casual migration from the rural hinterland of said place. The countryside does not lend itself to gaiety. Many quite urban areas also fail to lend themselves to gaiety and so these areas also suffer from emigration to other places.
The Williams Institute crunched all those numbers some years ago.
I suppose things may have changed since then, though I doubt it. Generally speaking, an absence of Gays correlates to overall unpleasantness. If Place X really does have more than 4.1% Gays, Lesbians, and Bisexuals, then it’s probably a pleasant place to live. That’s been studied (though I feel no interest in looking up the citation). When I say “pleasant place to live” I do not mean “lends itself to gaiety.” I don’t. I mean it’s a pleasant place… for just everyone. Now, such places do lend themselves to gaiety. They do. You’ve heard that peculiar rumor, right? The one that alleges that Gays have demanding standards and exquisite taste? Sure. Whatever.
Now, the creepy question one should be asking is “Why aren’t there any Gays in (Place X)? Oh yeah. Places without Gays are quite dreadful hell-holes. That would be why the presumptively natural incidence of 4.1% has eroded: what with all those demanding standards and exquisite taste, Gay folks tend to pack their bags and head for somewhat more glittery, rainbow-enhanced places. Yup… no Gays is like not being able to hear birds. Have you ever been somewhere where there were no birds?
Creepy.
Wherein I Hand Out Advice
Yeah. First up is the teenager.
“How do I keep my teenager (a boy) from going through socks so quickly? He’s awfully hard on socks.”
Ouch.
Mind you, this is known: teen-aged boys have what might be termed “stink-foot.” It’s true so don’t bother denying it.
“Oh… not my teenager.” I hear that shit quite often. I do. Sure. And then I generally get around to fielding some variant on the stockings issue. Though… it’s not usually so grisly.
Keep them from going through socks?
Seriously?
Deep breath. (It’s just Feral going not-so-quietly-crazy over here.)
I went to the grocery store the other day. I do that. That’s because that’s where we keep the food and… I’m prone to eating from time to time. Silly habit, I know, but it keeps me alive. Whatever. They sell socks there. While that might seem odd (I mean… food… socks… they don’t seem all that natural a conjunction) I’d expect to be able to buy socks at a grocery store. Funny thing… I can. Imagine.
They cost $5.96. I suppose in the Philippines that’s a large sum. I’m told it’s almost a day’s wages. That’s another issue altogether. The teenager with his stink-foot who goes through socks lives here. The $5.96… that gets you six pairs, not just one. Nope.
At that price, you can pretty much call the socks disposable. Let the kid wear a pair, then throw that nasty thing away the next day. Use tongs… I’d not advise touching them because I have no idea why the used socks of stink-foot teenagers can be leaned against a wall. I’ve seen it: that is totally not one of my flights of hyperbole. Nope. Teenagers do evil things to socks… things that belong in a science-fiction horror movie like “Aliens.”
Cue the inevitable quotations:
“Looks like some kind of secreted resin.”
“Nobody touch nothin’!”
Yeah.
I mean… there is no need whatsoever to worry about something that costs one dollar. Really. Teenagers are expensive but their socks aren’t part of that equation. Use tongs if you must, but launder the socks with some regularity. From time to time, remind yourself that you really can afford to just buy brand new ones each day… they’re at the grocery store.
If you’re fussing over something so trivial, you shouldn’t have kids. Fixations on such trivialities lead me to believe just vile and uncharitable thoughts. Perhaps you see your child as some sort of intolerable burden.
Yeah. Knock that shit right the fuck of and buy some freaking socks.
Be advised that I’m pretty sure that grocery stores are not the most economical source of socks. Nope. I suspect the socks at grocery stores may just be a tad over-priced. I suspect you can get far more than six pairs of socks for $5.96 if you shop around.
“I need a boyfriend.”
Really? That’s not good. I mean… it strikes me as a symptom of something. See a doctor, preferably a psychiatrist. They may have a pill for that.
I’m more than half serious here. Boyfriends are the cause of all manner of drama and some small amount of tribulation. Boyfriends are not at all the solution to any problem I can conjure a mental image of. Really.
Now, that may be due to a lack of imagination on my part. I doubt that, but it’s remotely possible. So let’s just discard that bit of advice (no one takes it anyway) and move forward.
“Where have you been looking?” ask I.
“Looking?” parrots my woeful interlocutor. “What do you mean, looking?”
I think we’ve found the problem.
Boyfriends do not spontaneously materialize. They just don’t. My friend has not been looking at all… not anywhere. Yet, he thinks he “needs” a boyfriend.
So I rattle through Feral’s not-at-all-patented four-step process:
- Determine with some specificity what you want.
- Determine with some specificity where what you want is likely to be found.
- Go there.
- Be the boyfriend you expect to be.
All four steps are equally important, though I find people do the most slouching with Step 1 and Step 3. I’ve yet to meet anyone who even tried to do a fair effort at Step 4, but that’s a bit of a double-bind. I mean… if you are inherently a dishonest and manipulative cretin, who am I to argue about all the false behaviors people immediately trot out when they’re boyfriend hunting? Yeah… whatever.
Nope… you really do have to go looking for one. You really do have to look in a reasonable place. You just plain have to know what it is you’re looking for in the first place.
As for that last bit… if you can’t just be yourself then I don’t know what help there is for you.
Of course, the bit of psychiatry I recommend right of the bat still applies. I mean… “need” is a foul word. You need?
Just ouch.
